My Oil.

I'm a big girl now. i went to the big kid Sunday school. adult Sunday school if you will. it was so great. i loved sitting with my dad through the meeting. its been so long since i have been able to do that. since he's been in the bishopric for the last 6 years. and is now bishop. so it was a big treat.
The lesson was on the 10 virgins. we talked about how only 5 of them made it in time to meet the bridegroom. 5. can we all take a second to think about what a significant loss this is. 5. out of 10. 50%. why such a big percentage lost? it boggles my mind! but lets compare it to us. in today's world. imagine losing 50% of your family. 50% of your ward. 50% of the church. all because we didn't prepare enough to meet Christ.
as of late, i feel i am to be one of the unprepared, one contributing to the 50% lost. my oil is depleted. i feel that my flame is starting to flicker and die. i don't want to be one of the 5 pounding on the door, begging the lord to open and let me in. i don't want to be told "I know you not." heaven knows this is not what my heart desires, that in fact, it would kill me.
I'm working on my imperfections. I'm receiving the much needed, soul saving oil drop by drop. I'm striving to be 1 of the 5 who make it. I'm not there yet. i lost the eternal perspective for a while. it was frightening. and it still is. its hard gaining lost ground, and it takes a long time and hard work to make up for lost time.
can i tell you what the most terrifying thing of this whole experience is? its knowing that you need help, knowing that your going down hill at break neck speed, yet not knowing how to stop. i think that i have reached the plato of this drop off. I'm now craning my neck looking up what seems to be a sheer cliff that i know i am to climb. looking at the intimidating backbreaking climb i have ahead of me has me shaking in my boots.